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My mother’s second husband was physically abusive to her throughout their marriage. At the time, everyone in my house shared a love/hate relationship with him. We loved him because he was funny and provided but we despised his controlling and violent ways. They were married for five years and it took my mother a long time to leave him. Now she is officially asking for a divorce. They have been separated for about two of those five years now and I occasionally keep in contact with him. I have also forgiven him and have been able to somewhat look past those rough years. At first my mother was okay with him giving me money and keeping in contact with him. Now that they are in the midst of their divorce, she has asked me to sustain from asking for financial support. For the past two months I have been asking my mom for financial help and have exhausted several of my resources. On Father’s Day him and I had a casual conversation and he asked me if I needed anything and I said yes. He deposited the money in my account the next day and is expecting no payments in return. Am I wrong for going through with this? Should I tell my mom?
-Lost between love and reality
Hello! Thanks for taking the time to e-mail me! The first thing I would challenge you to consider is whether his giving to you affects any future divorce proceedings. if he is able to document that he has given you X amount of money, that could be taken into consideration is spousal support and/or child support is involved… even though he is not your birth father. I don’t know!
I applaud you for doing the Godly thing and forgiving this man for the harm that he has caused your family. That being said, blood is thicker than water. He could CHOOSE to abandon your relationship but your mother cannot. I think it would be respectful to make her aware of the fact that you have been taking money from a stepdad. Thats not to say that you should feel bad for doing it, but you should provide the info to her as a “thoughtful FYI.” Be open to her feedback. Focus on the impact of the “donation” rather than the supplier!
One last note… If your mother is still struggling with unresolved anger and pain, you should support her in any REALISTIC way that you can. Don’t just take the ex-stepdads money because he is offering it. Have some integrity and consider what impact it might have on your mother. You are not for sale. No one should be able to manipulate your feelings about their behavior with money! If you and him are close, perhaps you can take a spiritual role in assisting with the divorce. I don’t know. I’m just freestyling! Pray about it! Hope that helps!
Hi Domo, I hope you doing okay. I need your help. I’m staying with my grandparents for the summer and they are members of this slow Baptist church. It’s almost like watching paint dry. It’s so boring. My grandpa agrees but my big mama acts like its her life and if you don’t go or say something bad, she starts crying. I need out. HELP! Whats a way for me to sneak over to this other church I like without hurt her feelings and getting sent back to my moms?
Yikes! You may just have to make it do what it do for the summer, my friend! Know what I mean? What you might consider doing is trying to attend an evening worship service or Bible study elsewhere. Ask you mom and grandfather to assist you in making that go over smoothly with grandma. amke sure that Grandma is not on to the fact that you think her church is a bore! make the most of it since you cannot change the situation by wishing you were somewhere else! Thats all I got! Maybe you can take Grandpa to the other church for a visit! Sorry, I can’t be more helpful! oops, I neglected to tell you to pray about it! Thats is certainly the best option!
ASK DOMO #55: Domo, I have gotten myself into some trouble. I am dating a man at my church who apparently has dated other women there. Needless to say, females are always going to be females so one lady is going around calling me all these names. I had NO idea he dated other women there because I am rather new to the ministry. One of the ladies called my house warning about him. I am not sure how she got my number. Its wild. Should I let him go? I am entertaining leaving the church altogether! I’m already a household name after a few dates!
I have a “Don’t date people at your church” rule for this very reason. I have seen some VERY UGLY scenarios, both straight and gay. You go to church to worship! Being caught in a love triangle at church is a mess! I would keep it casual… Go tp worship to worship and keep peace with the Ladies! Seek the Lord on the man friend. No matter who you date, there will always be people with an opinion. SOme of those opinions will be founded out of jealousy but some will be founded out of TRUE concern. Use your best judgement!
As a side note… Churches do not teach enough about dating and marriage enough. We know what you are supposed to do once your married but what are singles supposed to do! When we fail to teach the singles, we leave the counsel to the flesh to wrestle with and the flesh always chooses things contrary to God’s will. When I was growing up they taught that you dated to marry. DO they still teach that? If you dated every single man in your church and it didn’t work out, you would certainly make a name for yourself. How uncomfortable! Just a random thought but we have all seen a relationship go sour in church! That being said, we have seen the beauty of “church” love blossom into long-standing marriages as well! Pray! Ask God for wisdom!
Domo, I know you can help a brotha out. My girl has nice body so it makes me mad that she always wear sweatshirt and tights. She ALWAYS looks like she’s going to the gym or the library. When we go together she was the complete opposite. She couldn’t go to the mailbox without makeup. I should mention that she is in law school now but I think that she should work hard at her appearance to sustain our relationship. I still look the same. Whats a good way to break it to her?
This reminds me of what people say about married woman. Kinda funny! Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with the way you have presented it to me. Dressing well and looking your best has A LOT to do with time management. When you want to look good, you have to set aside time to make it happen! I feel that when you are in a relationship, you work to look good for 2 people. How many times have we heard of women nagging their men about wearing old clothes and looking a fool? I don’t think it is unreasonable to have a mutual expectation that your significant other keep their appearance up!
On the other hand, we also have to take into consideration the impact comfortable clothes have on productivity. When I am REALLY working hard, I notice that I kick off my shoes! Give her some room to be comfortable but ask her to spruce it up every now and again for the spark! If she doesn’t want to… then you have a problem. I can’t advise you on what to do then but if the two of you love each other, you find a happy medium! If all else fails, get passive aggressive. Stop shaving or lay around without deodorant for a day and use her reaction as a place to begin negotiation!
Domo… I need your advice. When all of the girls get together, we have one friend who always brings her gay male pal along. She says he just “one of the girls” but most of us are slightly annoyed by him being there. He is loud, flamboyant and thinks that guys are looking at him… Makes my skin crawl. Here is the problem though. We were out the other night and he made a comment (regarding his sexuality) about one of the girl’s FIANCÉ that was not ok. She ended up leaving and said that if he is around, she is never hanging with us again. The girl who brings him is on this “why would he lie about something like that” tip. It’s so scandalous and nobody knows what to do next??? Should we call a meeting?
This is probably the juiciest of the “Ask Domos” that I have ever gotten but my advice is not at all that complex. #1 If you don’t like someone, don’t hang with them! If you want to hang with the person who brings him, let her know that if its going to be GIRLS night, she has to leave her boy home! If she can’t do that, she can’t kickit! End of story.
As for your friend marching off because of something that was said about her fiancé, [insert confused Dominique face] it’s none of your business… or mine but she could afford to be a little more secure about sexual preferences of the man she intends to marry! #Imjustsayin. As for a meeting… not necessary. Whoever is closest to the female who brings the man pal needs to let her know that ole boy can’t come anymore. If its you, you need not mention that he is flamboyant, gay and makes your skin crawl. The larger point is that he is not a girl and makes other ladies feel uncomfortable. He also made a strong accusation against someone that would create awkwardness. She shouldn’t want that for any of her friends! If she can’t comply, cut her from the line-up. Bench her.
My roommate is pregnant and due any day. I’m happy for her and all but when we signed the lease, I didn’t sign up to live with a baby. Is it rude for me to want to split ways before the lease is up? I have a crazy work schedule and don’t want to hear babies crying all night. We only have a little over 2 months but…
I think its selfish. When you sign a lease, you agree to the terms of the lease, regardless to what happens with your roommate! You need to stick it out! If you choose not to, you are still responsible for your portion of the rent and any fees associated with moving out of the place. The leasing office could care less who is having a baby! They want their money! You are responsible for half of it. Furthermore, what would you want your roommate to do if the shoe was on the other foot? Oh, she may want to break the lease too. Discuss that with her!
That being said, your roommate needs to be respectful of the fact that you have a job and a life. The two of you need to agree to certain terms for living together but loosen up a tad. She’s not going to be able to control ALL the crying. She CAN control where she leaves dirty diapers, etc. Talk that out NOW!
Domo, I made the most terrible decision to be in an “open relationship” with this dude. I didn’t consider I would like him as much as I do and that it would make me look kinda stupid “claiming” him! People ask him about me and he says, “we cool.” We spend a lot of time together so I don’t see why we just don’t commit. He’s not feeling it. what to do?
Let me begin by saying that every bit of advice I can give you can be filed under the “easier said than done” category but… here I go! Your relationship is built upon the idea that both of you can flow freely in and out whatever it is that you have without penalty. You have taken ownership and admitted that you allowed it to happen. Now, you have to make moves and take responsibility for your heart. You shouldnt allow yourself to invest into someone who doesn’t want to seal the deal. Tell him that it’s time to lock it up or lose it! Don’t give dude access to “BF benefits” if he is not willing to pay the cost.
Get back in the game and never commit to anything “open” again! If you are what he wants, he will do whats right.
I’m dealing with a few young “Christians” who feel they can’t be themselves when in my company. I’m obviously put on a pedestal and I feel a lot of them think I’ve never committed sin or been where they are. To sum it up, sometimes when I am in the company of these people, they may commit sins or do things that I’m not interested in doing. Keeping in mind that there are sins or areas that I still need deliverance in too. How do I deal with this without comprising my salvation and my personal beliefs? A lot of times certain actions that they take may not even be biblically addressed as sin but somehow they’re still convicted? Can I be more approachable?
As a Believer, I can totally identify. There have been many times where I have felt like I should do or say certain things so that the people I am around don’t feel judged or uncomfortable. It’s very hard. You want to be approachable and fun to be around but you also want to be in the will of God and let your light shine. The problem many “Christians” have when it comes to being approachable is that we “hide” behind scriptures and church doctrines that are the equivalent of speaking a foreign language to a toddler. Jesus and the Apostle Paul were our best examples.
The Bible said that Jesus was the word, the way, the truth and the light. Surely, he could have chosen in all of his sovereignty to only quote the law but he “met people where they were” with parables and demonstrations. Jesus knew no sin, but Paul did! Because he knew sin, his strategy was a little more down and dirty. He taught us that evangelism and soul-winning takes on various forms. I Corinthians 9:19 says “For though I be free from all men, yet have I made myself servant unto all, that I might gain the more.” 20To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. 22To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.”
In other words, Paul’s strategy was that he found ways to identify with everybody! His strategy included his own testimony, the word of God, and consideration to who he was around. I’m sure he didn’t get drunk with the drunkard but I would imagine that he approached the people and the behavior how Jesus would have. The church has been misteaching this idea that if you are saved, you can’t be in the same company as a “sinner.” How does that work?
Anyway, that was an unsolicited rant but I think the bottom line is that you appear most approachable when you are authentic, real, operate in self-control and don’t hold back your testimony of being delivered from sin… and do all of that at the same time!
My mother is going through a midlife crisis and did the most embarrassing thing. She got a TONGUE RING! Everybody in the family, including her 3 kids think it’s gross and doesn’t represent who she really is. My question is whether I have the right to ask her to remove it when she is attending events with me or around my children?
It sounds like you are considering punishing your children with less access to granny because you don’t agree with a choice she made. Not fair! Your children will run into many people with tongue rings. Hopefully you are raising them so that they know the difference between right and wrong and that they respect other people’s choices without copying them.
You should share the concern you have about her being around your children with a tongue ring IF it’s a real concern. Don’t use your kids as a way to show you don’t approve on your moms choices. Rest assured that when you get to the middle of your life, yu may have a similar crisis! Try to support her and make sure she knows that you don’t want your kids getting any ideas!
In my circle of friends we have a few married girls and they are a bore. We meet twice a month for girls night at a bar or something. When they arrive, everything changes. They dress like moms and don’t really mix well with the group. One of them is extremely judgmental and has the tendency to be a Debbie downer. Whats a nice way to tell them that the single girls are gonna hang but they aren’t invited?
I certainly have one or two married friends who aren’t much fun in large groups but I am not sure I would tell them they couldn’t chill with the group. I think it would be ideal for you to walk in their shoes for a bit. Single people are easy-breezy with very little responsibility where family is concerned. We are not responsible for making sure someone else is cared for and happy on a regular basis. We just come and go as we please. Going to a nice night spot is a regular occurence for us!
For them, it may be one of the few times they get to be out shooting the breeze. It may not be there intention to look and act the way you feel they do. In my opinion, a real friend would speak to the ladies individually. You should assume that theys aren’t aware that the way they present themselves makes things awkward! Go easy on them.. EXCEPT for the judgmental one. Provide her examples of behavior that made people feel like she was being judgmental!
In conclusion, perhaps you should have more than one outing and work to change the tenor of your monthly gathering so everyone feels free to be FREE! Have the married people outing and have the single girls outing. Ask questions of show interest in one another to get more insight as to why people behave the way they do!
Ask Domo #38:My friend was involved with a man who she claimed she did not love, and he did not treat her well. When I expressed my opinion about this we ended up not speaking for about 6 months. In those six months, she broke up with him. After they broke up she called me and we are getting back to the way our friendship used to be. Recently she decided that she is tired of being lonely and has rekindled her relationship with her ex-boyfriend. I don’t think this is a good look, being that he treats her poorly and she doesn’t love him. Initially my question was should I talk to her about how I feel in regards to her rekindling her relationship, and how I worry that her being with him will cause problems in our friendship. But now, my question has changed: What kind of friendship do you have with someone if telling an uncomfortable truth means risking being friends?
Ask Domo #37: If your dating a celebrity and they tell you that they need the public to believe they are single, is that a deal breaker? Does the average person in a club at night under the influence of alcohol care about you saying you are in a relationship? Does a groupy?
ASK Domo #36: Domo, my cousin is a gold digger and made a casual comment about taking money from out 79 year-old grandmother. She said she was just playing but it made me so mad and I don’t trust her because obviously she will consider doing anything for money. I want to bring it up again but am not sure how… please help.
Ask Domo #35: Domo, my boyfriend/baby daddy claims that he shouldn’t be required to spend Mothers day with me or help his son by me a gift because “I am not his mother.” I think he is just playing but what if he is not? My son is 6…HELP!
Ask Domo #34: Domo, I like a guy and we talk casually but he never asked me out so I am thinking about asking him… Should I?
Ask Domo #33: Domo, I am interested in a guy but I am scared to tell him because I don’t want to be rejected. I am assuming he is shy… should I ask him out?
Ask Domo #32: Domo, a few years ago I had a heated run-in with a female because she was all in my man’s face in the club. Since then, we have broken up and she got with him and they have broken up too. Well… the chic adds me as a friend on facebook and sends me a message apologizing. She talks real bad about OUR ex, who happens to be my good friend now. I have forgave her but he doesn’t think she and I should be friends. What do you think? (P.S. Me and the ex aren’t together. I’m married now.)
Ask Domo #31: Domo, I have been dating a guy for some time and lately he has been spending the night over my house. I really like him but I am really turned off by a few things. Number one, he doesn’t brush before bed! Number 2, he snores. Number 3… and this is a killer… he brings pajamas over!! What dude packs pajamas domo? Help me, please.
Then I recorded another one and went on a tangent…. so it’s like a TAAAAKE 2! I’m calling it the ASKDOMO #31 Remix!
Ask Domo #30: Domo, I went with a woman to a car dealership to help her get a car after only a few weeks of dating. I found out she has baaaad credit. I mean baaad credit! I was really embarrassed. They were encouraging her to get a co-signer and I just buried my head into my phone. She is a nice person but the low credit score might be a deal breaker. Am I being irrational?
Ask Domo #29: Domo, the guy I am dating is a huge facebooker. We get off the phone and I have a message in my inbox with all of the things he should be saying in person or at least on the phone. Is that weird? What is worse is that he barely talks when we are together. I have a feeling this is going to kill me. What should I do?
Today’s Ask Domo: Is it wrong for me to be critical of my cousin for being this kind of person that doesn’t keep her physical appearance up? She is single and could care less what she looks like but she has so much love in her heart that I think she should focus inward. She is always hollerin about needing a man too. Whats the best way to get her to see that a man is not coming if she doesn’t comb her hair?
ASK DOMO: Domo, I want my mom to date so that she can get out of my relationship. Any advice. She is in her forties and has nothing to do. She even cold calls my boyfriend to ask where he is. Who does that?
Today’s Ask Domo: ”Domo, I have been talking to this guy for about a month and we have nothing in common but he has spends a lot of money on me… I gotta shake him but I feel bad AND I like being wined and dined. Should I give him more time or drop him? Maybe I am not giving him a chance.”
Ask Domo #25: “My husband insists on buying my son, who is three, an x-box for Christmas. I don’t see the point. I think he is too young to play… I am mad that he is going to buy it even though I do not agree. I am more open to it than he knows but just want to know why he is so adamant about it!? what are your thoughts?”
Today’s ASK DOMO: ”My husband, who is a preacher, has been sending pictures of scantily clad women to some of his other preacher friends via e-mail. It’s bothering me seeing as how I have picked up a little weight. I am wondering if he is fantasizing about skinnier women? I don’t think its Godly either. These girls are half his age. I want to mention it but I probably shouldn’t be checking his e-mail, huh?” Thoughts?
Tomorrow’s “Ask Domo” is: My brother’s fiance (who I knew before him) recently confided in me about their pending marriage. She is not sure they are doing the right thing and is have some SERIOUS second thoughts. Problem is… she promised me not tell, putting me in a very awkward position. Long story short, I think she has some “work” on the side and even though I promised not to tell, I am about to spill major beans. Am I wrong for withholding this info from my brother? Will I be wrong for telling him?
Today’s ASK DOMO: “I stopped being friends w/ someone cause she stole $100 from me over 8 years ago. Weve since reunited & she aint even mentioned it. Its water under the bridge but I want her to at least acknowledge she was wrong… maybe even give me my money back. Am I doing too much? To make matters worse, she is one of those females always hollerin’ Gucci this, Louis that” so I know she has some coins.”
I gave a girl a lot of money to get an abortion. She decided not to get the abortion caliming that it wasn’t God’s will but she used the cash for shoes. How do I get the money back? Should I let it go?
My boyfriend is a bad dresser. He hates to dress up. I am taking him home for Thanksgiving and my parents are very “materialistic” and want me to be with someone who “looks the part.” He is very intelligent but can be sloppy. How do I get him to dress up for one day and still feel comfortable?
Over Thanksgiving weekend, I wen shopping with a friend who is normally not available to hang out because she claims she never has any money. She seemed to have a lot of money all of a sudden and it made me made. I know it is silly but I think she just doesn’t want to hang out with some of my other friends. Whenever I invite her somewhere she wants to know who else is going first. Should I call her on this?
Exactly what will you be calling her on? You already have an idea that there is a friend that she is not wanting to be acquainted with. Thats not a sin. She wants to be around you and the two of you are friends, right? What are you worried about? Don’t try and integrate friends that don’t want to be integrated. When you do, you become the middle person in some MESS. Avoid that at all cost. You might consider asking your friend why she never really wants to hang with you. There IS the possibility that you could be making empty assumptions!
Domo, what do you think about this. My sister is dating a dude who lost his job the second week they were dating. She liked him and invited him to move into OUR apartment. It has been two months and he has to go. Am I wrong for wanting him to find his own spot? He’s not my man and he’s not paying the rent… or ANYTHING for that matter.
I blame YOU. You were being passive at the time when being aggressive was most important! You should have told your sister right away that you didn’t want a man laying up in your place job-free and not paying rent. You waited too long and provided the impression that in some way you were cool with it! Your bad! Here’s what you need to do! Tell that sisters of yours that you will be writing a check for 1/3 of the rent until SHE comes up with the rest or kicks old boy out! Give her a week to allow him to come up with a game plan and then take definitive action! Don’t be playing around! Here’s the bad advice: LOL.. get passive aggressive and start telling the truth! Leave a sticky note on your sister’s purse with Bible verses like, “A man who doesn’t work doesn’t eat.” Make him feel uncomfortable coming into communal spaces… and again… the sticky not is your friends!
Okay.. back to good advice. Pray about it but still write that check for 1/3!
Domo, I like reading these. Thanks for posting them. This is a little different from what you normally receive but I am thinking about going to graduate school but don’t know where to start. I would like to have a PhD. You have any advice on initial steps?
Great question! After you have solidified what you would like to have an expertise in, the next step is research. I would recommend looking into the US News & World Report list to figure out which schools have the best programs in your field of study. Select about 5 of them and request to be sent information from them via mail. You can accomplish all of this in one hour. I would also note that just about every major college and university has a graduate school fair in the fall. Check out the career services website for a nearby institution to see when those are!
This is a great place to start. Remember that you have to move quickly! If you plan to go back to school next year, you should be looking into the GRE exam (or whatever test is necessary for your field) and thinking about taking that by mid December or early January depending on when applications are due. They vary.
Once you have narrowed down places you want to apply, you need to look at what the professors in the department specialize in. Just because a school has Psychology doesn’t mean they have the Psychology you want! If you wanted to be a Clinical Psychologist, This is especially important if you’re looking to get a PhD. You will be doing research with faculty members and you need to make sure you have a vested interest in what you’re doing. I can go on and on about this so lets start there! i can chat with folks individually as well! P.S. this is what I do for a living… so unlike the other things I post, I actually have some expertise here! LOL!
My grandmother is really judgemental. She hates my girlfriend. When I see her she asks if I have gotten rid of her yet. I don’t want to disrespect her but I want her to be cool with the girl that could be my future wife. What can I do?
Grandmas are suck in their ways. They want your future wife to be able to cook, clean, dust, and make children. The first inclination that they are unable to do any of those things eliminates them from the pool. I am going to assume that your lady was acting a bit too prissy for Granny! Let me know if I am right! Anyway, she (your lady) needs to loosen and tighten up! The next time she is around Granny, she might need to show her domestic side. I am not saying that she should compromise who she is but she needs to get granny in her corner.
As for you.. You need to get in Granny’s ear and advocate if you really care what she thinks about your choices. Ask granny what she wants in a woman for you. When she tells you, let her know that your lady meets those needs and that you need her to be supportive. Its going to take some time! Any lady I would marry would have to spend some time alone with my granny to make the cut! If she withstand granny speaking in toungues and a full-on worship service in the kitchen, she is IN there! Your future wife is not just marrying you.. she is marrying the family in ways. Just my opinion! Hope that helps!
I have a friend who recently got pregnant and is unsure of who the father is. It REALLY surprised me because I didn’t know she was that kind of girl. I am a christian and I want to be a support to her but DO not agree with the fact that she is having pre-marital sex with multiple partners. How should I go about telling her I don’t agree?
Wierd thing is that I have been having dreams about babies.. seems like everybody is having a baby situation! Anyway! Thats neither here nor there. What kind of Christian would you be if you were not supportive of your friend? Yes, it is not in the will of God to participate in premarital sex however, people will make mistakes and generally when people make mistakes, religious people forget to operate in the spirit of love like Jesus calls us to do.
Secondly, spend some time trying to imagine the guilt and shame attached to carrying a baby for none months without knowing who the father is. Even though it is inconceivable to YOU, it’s her reality! God forgives and children are never a mistake. You may not agree with her choices but you need to remember you are not Jesus and she doesn’t owe you an apology! Pray for her. Tell her that God is there for her and he loves and forgives.
My mother is trying to marry me off to some guy she knows from church. I met him and he is NOT my type at all. I thought my mom would know better. Now the man is blowing up my phone and my mom said that if I wanted to get rid of hm, I was on my own. HELP!
First thing first…REVOKE all match-making privileges from your mother. If that is not an option, put some of your likes and dislikes in writing for her in order to avoid the trial and error situations. I am super bad with this kind of stuff. However, I feel that if you have never dated him and he has never BOUGHT you anything, there are very few courtesies you owe him! Is that rude? I don’t know! I would advise you to consider communicating with him on a casual level and alluding to the fact that your mother was not asked to play match maker in your life. Entertain him platonically and let him know that you aren’t interested in a relationship (with him) OR, you can just be rude and continue to ignore him… but you reap what you sow!
How can I encourage my man to take better care of himself physically? I want him to get a manicure and use lotion. He likes to throw some basketball shorts and is way uncomfortable dressing up.
It’s wierd for me! I just love clothes and shoes. I couldn’t imagine being any other way. I do have a problem valuing lotion and just recently got a much needed pedicure. I would encourage you to take full advantage of those vulnerable moments (your birthday, anniversary, etc.) where you know he might be willing to do ANYTHING to make you happy! Getting nails manicured and using certain beauty products is an acquired taste for most men. First you have to break the stereotypes about what kind of man gets these types of things done and then you have to get him to see that once he is used to it, it benefits him on so many levels whether that be personally, relationship-wise and professionally. GO WITH HIM! Sell the idea by really capitalizing on the things he likes rather than how you want him to look! Subscribe him to some men’s magazines.
On the other hand, men have been dictating how women should and shouldn’t for eternity! I don’t see the harm in you laying out some guidelines for physical appearance if he plans to be seen with you in public! Ask him what would be acceptable for you to do and not do with regard to your physical appearance and negotiate from there!
I took my homeboy to the airport the other day at the last minute. He was late so he kept asking me to speed up. I ended up getting a ticket. I think dude should pay for the ticket. What do you think?
You are responsible for the decisions made in your vehicle. I would have told him to stuff it! Had he planned in advance to get to the airport, he wouldn’t need to rush you! That being said, you did him a favor and it cost you big! I think it would be reasonable to ask him to pay half. If he doesn’t think thats a good idea… he gets no more rides and is foul! Just my opinion!
I want to have this guy over for dinner but I am not sure I am ready to have sex with him. We are attracted to each other sexually but are not in a committed relationship. You have any techniques for getting rid of him when the “date” is over? I like him but I know that after a certain time of night, the freak comes out, feel me?
I definitely feel you! You can’t employ my personal technique (LOL) but I would suggest you be very clear with yourself and the guy about the fact that you do not want to have sex! It sounds like your ability to restrain yourself is the problem. If you commit to not serving your goods and stick to it, you should be fine! If you don’t trust yourself and you are serious about not having sex, you shouldn’t have homeboy over yet! Most people are overwhelmed by sexual desire and tend to live in the moment, regretting their decision later. You need to be prepared for whatever decision you make. I wouldn’t suggest having random sex but I would suggest that you be fully prepared for what you might be getting yourself into by having the necessary items such as condoms, etc. Most guys will pursue based on your body language even if you establish you aren’t trying to go that far! You just need to stick to your guns! Don’t lie to him, but you should PLAN for a friend to call or come over to play the role of “COLD WATER” around 9:32 p.m. Avoid the romantic candle-light scenario… your setting yourself up!
I liked my mom’s new boyfriend until I found out from a daughter he has that is around my age that he and her mom got a divorce because he used to beat her down. I know this was like 20 years ago but I don’t like it and my mom would kill me if I ever dated somebody with such a history. what should I do?
According to womensaid.org, 44% of victims of domestic violence are involved in more than one incident.. which leads me to believe that the man that victimizes her is likely to be a repeat offender. I can understand your discomfort. I think you should have a mature discussion with your mother about domestic violence, her man’s past and how all of it affects you as her daughter. I would even rephrase what you told me about her killing you if you ever did what she was doing! On the other hand, I wouldn’t jump to a conclusion about this man’s past, present and future behaviors without getting to know him more! Is he saved? Has he had any counseling? Is he open about his past behavior? When is the last time he hit ANYONE? In addition… all domestic violence is not physical. I would be all up in his grill studying his behavior, getting answers, and giving him those “Touch my mama and see what happens” eyes!
My cousin brought a white woman to my grandma’s house for dinner. It was so AWKWARD. Everybody was trying to be nice to her but he wasn’t getting no love from the fam at all… I feel really guilty for acting the way I was acting but I still want him to get with a black chick… Got any advice? Are we racist?
Well… Um.. Where to start? First off, I wouldn’t use the term racist BASED on the small amount of information you have provided. I’d define racism as the belief that you as a black person, feel that you are superior to the white race. I don’t think that that’s the case. HOWEVER, I’d categorize your bavior as slightly prejudice. You and your family have prejudged your cousin’s lady primarily based on her race. Assuming that race is indeed a social construct, what is the different between the lady you had dinner with and the ideal lady you want your cousin to be with? I am going to assume your not into interracial dating but imagine how you would feel if you rolled up to a partner’s (of another race) grandma’s house for dinner the family treated you the way you treated your cousin and his lady? That wouldn’t be cracking!
On the other hand… I am not going to fake like their aren’t cultural/group expectationswithin every ethnicitiesthat it’s members date/marry other members exclusively. Even in the Bible we see this type of teaching. I think that ALL groups really have to challenge some of our behavior with regard to these behaviors. I think it is silly to make any assumptions about why a person of a certain race would pursue a someone without any factual evidence. To me, this is a mandatory dinner-table discussion among families!I have so many close friends who are the products of interracial marriage. Many of them have helped me to challenge the wayI think! Though, I can’t say I don’t share some struggles in this area!
Anyway, I think you should apologize to your cousin for your behavior. You don’t have a monopoly over who he chooses to date! If you love your cousin you will want want best for him. IF HE HAD NERVE TO BRING HER TO GRANDMA’S HOUSE, HE DEFINITELY LIKES HER! You should be happy for him and make an effort to get to know the lady!
I bought my best friend a very expensive hand bag for her birthday. Yesterday she let it slip that she gave it to her cousin as a gift!! I don’t think she realized that I had gotten it for her. I didn’t say anything but I am a tad bit offended. I express my love for people by giving them things and to hear she gave something so expensive away makes me feel like she doesn’t value our friendhsip… what should I do?
To say that she doesn’t value your friendship because she gave a purse away that you bought her UNINTENTIONALLY is a tad bit dramatic! QUIT! I’m sure that if she had remembered that you got it for her, she wouldn’t have shared the information with you and quite possibly wouldn’t have given it away. I’m not trying to be mean but maybe that just wasn’t the best gift for her? On the bright side, that hand bag shall from this point on be considered the gift that keeps on giving! If its going to kill you, you should mention it to her however, there is very little she can do now! Next time around, you should be a tad more thoughtful in your gift-giving. A purse is a tangible item that will go out of style! There are other gifts that have significance beyond one season!
I have been withmy boyfriend for 5 years. I have come to a point in my life where I would like to see “us” taking steps towards a stronger commitment (marriage). He has been everything that I could ever want in and man and me the same for him. We know that we want to marry and have a life TOGETHER but, he just is not ready to go there at this point in his life. He would like to be more established career wise and I think that’s bull. I’m really struggling withthe decision to stay or go. He wants me to just be patient and wait for him until he is ready but he has absolutely NO IDEA when that time will come. I just don’t see myself being with someone for 5 years plus only being his girlfriend. I want a stronger, deeper, commitment. Your thoughts Domo?
I have 2 friends who were in similar places and pressured the guy to marry them by threatening to leave and both of them are now divorced! People do what they want to do WHEN they want to do it! You need to talk to him about deconstructing what marriage looks like for him! If he is waiting on a picket fence and six figures, he may not ever get married! On the other hand, the first thing that came to my mind when reading was, IS HE FAITHFUL?Assuming that he is, what sense would it make for you to leave someone who treats you right because he isn’t ready to walk the aisle? I’d pray about it.I think you need to tell him that you value marriage and you want to be with someone who has the same appreciation. Give him 6 months to get his life together. It would be super dumb of him to lose you because he isn’t established career-wise! Furthermore, if he isn’t as established as he would like to be career-wise and you have stayed with him 5 years, then he better realize he has a good woman. Some women would be gone! But again, you need to find out how he views marriage. How much of his parents/grand parents experience with marriage influence his views? How much of your parent/grandparents experience influence you? Does he have any married friends? Married siblings? Do a little investigation…with the intent of getting a better understanding of where he is coming from! It seems like most men are reluctant to commit to marriage and most women are in love with the idea of planning a wedding… the two of you need to get on the same page about where you stand.
My husband’s mother would like a key to our home. My husband is a mama’s boy and would give her anything! UGH! I love her but want to set boundaries. Naturally, my husband thinks this is an awesome idea… She is known for being nosy and a bit intrusive. How do I communicate to all parties involved that I am not having it?
If you are set on keeping her out of your house, tell your husband NO! Mother-in-laws are said to be one of the 5 reasons people get divorces! HOWEVER, there are some benefits to having someone else own a key to your home. You should be able to trust the person and a mother is a good person, in my opinion. Your problem is not so much that she is nosy, it’s that you haven’t discussed boundaries with her regarding the use of the key. The adult thing to do would be to iron out with your HUSBAND how the key should and shouldn’t be used by mama. If she gets out of line with the key, by violating clearly definedexpectations, take the key away from her! By the way… denying mama the key to your house aint gonna get her out of your business if your husband is a mam’s boy! Thats his job to stop telling her stuff!
I am in love with my boyfriend and I think we are on the road to marriage. The only problem is that I am in no way domestic. He expects me to act like his mother and that’s just not me. Is this a deal breaker?
I believe there are certain concessions you need to PLANto make if you would like to be married. I would encourage you to begin negotiating with your future husband about the things the two of you expect from each other. Once you commit to marriage, in my opinion its like buying an “as-is” product from BestBuy. He should already be well aware of any defects and there ought not be any major surprises! Get yourself a sheet of paper and draw three columns. In one column write down the things you WOULD be willing do. In the next column, jot down some things you would “kinda” be open to doing but are not sure, and in the final column jot down some things you definitely WILL NOT be doing. Show it to your man and participate in an open-minded dialogue with him!
I have a bestfriendthat I’ve been extremely close with for the past four years… We can talk and laugh about EVERYTHING but theresone problem… He’s in love withme… And talks about a future with me constantly. But Im not attracted to him.. Should I tell him? Or make up another reason?
The problem with fabricating a reason why you are not interested is that your cover will be blown. I KNOW! Most people break into the, “I’m seeing someone.” Then they you caught on eharmony! [Joke] Anyway, you have to be tactfully honest. Tell him that you are not attracted to him as an intimate partner because he is your friend and that there is no possibility for romance. The next time he throws you into his future, start throwing in a wife in the HIS picture! He says, “We are going to grow old together..” You say, “yes, we can double date with your wife and my husband when we get in our 90′s.” You have to start reinforcing that romance is not an option! Silence commits! If you say nothing, there is room to assume that you are considering the possibility! Since the two of you can talk about anything… start the following discussion: “Can male and female be friends without being involved in an intimate relationship?”
My cousin is CONSTANTLY dating men that I think might be gay. They are usually more flamboyant than her. Louis Vuitton messenger bags… the whole nine! I think she might be pursuing them out of desparation and I am concerned about his safety. How should I address the issues?
OUCH! This is heavy! First, don’t make the assumption they are gay because they are effeminate. Second… tell your cousin to get a gaydar. If she can’t find one in her spirit… find a good gay free who can spill tea on her love interests! Third, I thought messenger bags were over? No, really… I can understand your concern. Is she having sex with them? If she is having sex with them, then they are bisexual. Maybe she is okay with that!? You should discuss with her the health concerns you have and encourage her to be safe. Get her a pamphlet or two! I am in no way saying that sex with a gay man is dangerous. I am saying unprotected sex with anybody is dangerous! Govern yourselves accordingly!
The “desperation” is the real issue! If you think that is the source of her bad decision-making, you should address that issue first. Have a girl’s night out! Buy her a good self-help book! Take her to places where their are good Christan men (not to say the ones shes dating are not)… tell her to open an eharmony account! Pray for her! You have all kinds of options here!
I have been lying to my pastor about a relationship I am in. I have been leaving out important details (Stuff like sex, abortions, etc.) that result in him offering me unhelpful advice… What should I do?
Please don’t tell me you are mad at him for giving you bad advice? LOL! That would be a MESS! Why would YOU go to HIM expecting guidance but only give him partial information? If you are going to go to him… be honest! Don’t waste his time! If he is a good pastor, he will only share Biblical principals applicable to your situation that will help you more than they will hurt you! Go back to him and spill the beans!
I need you to talk some sense into my sister! She decided to move in with her boyfriend AGAINST the will of me and our mother! The boyfriend is currently unemployed and she wants to “help him!” That’s not all… she is breaking her lease and has to pay $1000 to do so. He isn’t losing a thing..I can’t even sleep thinking about it.
You know what? On the real… You want the foreal, foreal? You and your mom need to mind your business! I am confused about why you would allow yourself to lose sleep over something that doesn’t really concern you! I know you think it does because she is your sister and you will be saving her in about 6 months… but you have to let people LIVE and LEARN learn on their own. Maybe living withan unemployed man will allow her to upgrade her standards! Who knows! As her sister you need to be prepared to love her like Jesus loves you! If/When this little situation falls through.. you need to be the supportive sister that you are and embrace her! I can’t hear my Grandma in my head… “Some people you just can’t tell nothin’!” As frustrating as it is… its not worth a bag under your eye!
My sister’s boyfriend is so fine! She doesn’t really like him though and has made jokes about me taking over her old news… Is she just playing? I want to ask her if I can have him.
Too awkward. Why would you want your sister’s old work! Find your own! He can’t be the only fish in the sea! Do better homie! Would you be comfortable if she hooked up with your ex? NO! STOP! Take a cold shower!
My co-worker is extremely messy. He went and told some people that I said something that I totally didn’t say. I know how to handle these kind of situation son the streets but at works, its a little bit different. How should I approach this guy?
Tricky at work. Walk to the coffee shop or go to lunch and casually mention to him that you were approached about something you didn’t say and he was listed as the deliverer of information. He will deny it and you will go into a long speech about how you trusted him and didn’t think he was that messy to do such a thing but you had to ask! Then tell him you are going to be keeping to yourself and that you aren’t ignoring anyone… then never talk to him again! No, okay I got lost in punkin’ people! Tell him to keep your name out of his mouth and save your lunch money!
I have a friend who just confessed his love for me. However, I am in a happy relationship with my boyfriend of three years. I feel bad because I still want to be friends with this person but now that I know how he really feels it is awkward even talking to him. I avoid hanging out with him and even answering his calls. I told him that I am happy in my relationship but it is still strange interacting with him. I don’t want to end our friendship but I also don’t want to lead him on or hurt his feelings. What to do? ~I don’t wanna hurt him
I am confused and so are you. How can you say that you don’t want your friendship to change and you don’t want to hurt this guy… but at the same time you are actively avoiding a guy for being honest with you? You need to reevaluate this situation. First thing you need to do is call your FRIEND and apologize for igginghim. Tell him that his confession created an awkwardness that disabled you… but you are back now. In addition, this guy need to get off the romance novels. You CANNOT be pursuing another man’s woman. He need to file away inappropriate emotions if the two of you are to move past this. Oh, and you need not discuss your relationship withyour guy withhim. He will confuse any intimate details with an invitation…
I know marriage is work, but DAMN! Every little issue is a 10 to my husband and some things just aren’t that deep for me. What the heck should I do?
The good news is that you are learning how he communicates and what is of importance to him. I think that once you get a complete idea of what ticks him off, you can tread accordingly. To me, it would seem ignorant to allow for his reactions to issues to have the same affect on you ALL THE TIME. You should learn to expect certain responses in certain situations. You should look to be methodical in your attempt to reason with him… Stay away from the “Why do you always..” or “its not that serious to me.” Try to empathize and employ a strategy that you KNOW from experience will work. Sometimes annoying people just want to FEEL like somebody is listening… I would also advise you to chat with a spiritual leader or get an older, non messy, non-related couple that you can fellowship and learn from!
I have a friend that loves to call people “ugly” and I know how you feel about that! I’m kinda thinking the only weay to break this habit is to hurt her feelings… hurry and tell me I am wrong!
Hmmm… ummm… You are pretty much wrong.. however!!!!! Sometimes people need to hear the truth. Like I said the other day… The best way to get some of your flaws highlighted is to discuss other people’s flaws! The next time that she goes hard on somebody, tell her that their is the great possibility that they don’t think she is cute either! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and its deeper than skip deep.. Don’t let ‘em tell you differently! TELL HER THE TRUTH in a loving and respectful way! The truth will always do the job!
My cousin is tripping out on me. She claims that she is not going to show up to my wedding because she doesn’t like my fiance. This is like my FAVORITE cousin too! I don’t know what to do. Leaving my man is not an option…
Is your cousin single? Just wondering… Ummm, You should live your life and get married! If you are in love and you believe that the man you are engaged to will love and respect you as his wife, your cousin will just have to jump on board. I would encourage you to have a good conversation with her about why she doesn’t like the guy and how that will impact your relationship with her. Something will have to give! Remind her of what it would feel like if she doesn’t come. Should she not come, be passive-aggressive with her for about 10 years until she misses your friendship! Naw, I’m playing! Tell her to get withthe program! Oh, and if she has some legitimate concerns that come from a loving place… you need to properly address them with all parties involved! Try to suspend certain emotions that will make it hard for you to hear what she has to say…
My wife has gained so much weight since we were married. We have no children so that has nothing to do with it. I hit the gym regularly. She has simply stop caring about what she looks like. She doesn’t think I think she is sexy anymore and I don’t! Should I keep it real and tell her?
The two of you are married and should have open lines of communication. Your intention should not be to hurt her feelings but I do think she needs to know how you feel about her weight… especially if you feel like she doesn’t “care” about how she looks. I think you should pursue this conversation with the intent on working with her rather than critiquing her body and then grabbing your gym bag and rushing out of the door! TAKE HER WITH YOU!Who cooks the food? Find some healthier choices! Do your best not to make her feel like you are so unpleased with her that you have to hide carrots in her purse! Her health, wellness and beauty (as well as yours) play a direct role in strengthening of your marriage!
I am SO embarrassedto hang out with the “GHETTOer” side of my family. I have some cousins that have every stereotype in the bag! I love them but I would rather hang out at the house rather than go somewhere in Public. Is that bad? You should hear them talk.
Let me tell you something. Your bougie friends and family are one incident away from “punkin” out when the going gets tough! You need those ride or die family members more than you think! Y’all all share the same blood and are cut from the same cloth. You need to lighten up! What if they wanted nothing to do with you because of the way you act? For me, I am not likely to fight. I don’t know how to fight! Oh, but how grateful am I to know [insert an unknown tongue] that I can call on a cousin who get any and every situation handled. I remember one time I needed an ipod… okay.. never mind! TMI! Sorry Emily Schwartz… you may have got got! On the real.. I think you should take some time to walk a mile in their shoes… You know the King’s English because you been eating at his table! That don’t make you no better! Get some new terms from your cousin to teach him!
My auntie is such a mooch. She will suggest we order pizza and then have to “make a quick run” when the man comes for the money… and then she pops back up when its time to eat. I want to tell her but shes my aunt… can I?
I am laughing so hard! Sorry. She mooches off of whats available. You don’t need to call her a mooch. I would advise you to have one of her siblings call her to the mat the next time she has to make a run. “Vivian, before you go, we need a few dollas for this pizza chile… or your gonna lose your piece.” If there isn’t a sibling present… YOU DO IT! Tell her you can’t afford it without her donation! Tell her they need her credit card to secure the order! Get her money before you order! Order the pizza and don’t tell her!
I’m Married…..and so is my boyfriend, just not to each other. Any suggestions?
I almost got this spinach dip stuck in my throat. Why on earth is it so hard for people to be honest with themselves when things are not working out? Why are you still married? Maybe its not as easy as, “Get a divorce!” but you have very few choices my friend! Option #1) get a divorce and date somebody who is single. Option #2) end the adultery and commit to saving your marriage… #3) continue being a cheater who also plays the role of Girlfriend #2. Double whammy! You need the strength of God to get you out of this kind of stuff…pursue it!
I read the last “dear Domo” and had to ask you something! I ran into somebody from my church at a place that perhaps neither of us should have been. Should I discuss this with her or just leave it alone and move on?
Was she Jesus? Was she your pastor? No? Then let it go! If you recognize you shouldn’t have been there.. God has convicted your heart. Don’t go again and care less about who else was there! This happened to me only one time and I didn’t care then and I don’t care now! I want somebody to mention it so I can “read.” I’m not really that “deep” so if you want a more “churchy” response… ask somebody else! You arerobligatedto answer to God. Should he prick your heart to discuss anything with tyhis person, you should do it speadily! Just don’t confuse that with guilt. (Oh, and you are grown!)
I read something you wrote about church people on Facebook and I wanted to ask your opinion. I don’t want church people all in my personal life but I don’t want to be rude and delete them. What should I do?
You DOhave to be careful with that! You should definitely use the privacy features on facebook to find ways to limit access to certain parts of your page. Church people are soojudgemental. We are church people so we know best! I forewarn all church people who I befriend and I have NO problem cutting you off! Some people are just not meant to be Facebookfriends withyouand unfortuunatelyweoften have to have “incidents” with them to come to this great realization. I have not had to “let anyone go” yet but I am on deck to do so at any given time!
My girl doesn’t wan to live together until after we are married. I’m not sure I could live with someone I didn’t live with first. Deal breaker?
When I was growing up… living with someone who is not your husband or wife was referred to as “shacking.” I hate that term now but I do not think it is wise to live together prior to marriage. I’m a tad bit old school and believe that you need to commit to someone before you move in with them. Sounds like you are trying to live with her in order to see if you can commit. What are you afraid of? I’m not married but I kinda believe that marriage affords you intimacy that you will not be able to experience as a live-in lover. You shouldn’t live with anybody you could not imagine being stuck in a 12 month lease with! If you like this woman, you better find a better way to learn whatever it is you think you would learn by living with her!
One of my male friends told me he thinks a guy I am interested in is gay. He keeps telling me that if I let him, he can find out for sure. Should I let him?
Ummmm… NO! How.. nevermind! If you are in high school, proceed withchildishgames. Be careful of your gay friend.. he might be out for your man. Why use him to find out you what you can find out yourself! 1) ask him! 2) Ask your gay friend for some helpful/realistic tips 3) ask him again! Never mind, scratch that! This is all weird… if he is dating you and he might be interested in men, he’s bisexual. You okay with that? Create your own litmus test.. administer it, grade it and make your own decision! While I am in your business… wrap it up! Save it for marriage! Get it tested! I’m just saying!
I want to have a baby. I’m not a lesbian but I want to have a baby without a man. He can donate sperm and then I would like for him to disappear. My friends are way too “ok” with this idea so I need an unbiased opinion. What do you think?
You should see my face. I think your intentions are quite selfish. You may have the financial ability to parent a child alone but I don’t think anyone should PLAN to parent a child as a single parent. Little boys and girls need a stable enviroment with two parental units who can love, lead and guide them into adulthood. They need the nurturing of a good mother and the guidance of a good father. I am in no way saying that kids don’t grow up to be successful adults when they are products of single-parent households. For most of my childhood, I was raised in a single parent home. I just feel like nobody should PLAN to do it alone and for the kid’s sake, you should want to give them all the love and support you can give. That being said… the statistics related to children who are raised in single-parent households are WILD! You should check them out. Keep in mind that no parent (for the most part) has the intention of raising a child who is incapable of championing life… however research shows that kids from two parent homes fair much better than those from single parent homes.
On the other hand, there are so many kids in the foster care system who you could become legal guardian over. You could even adopt an older child. I am not sure how that is so different from birthing one yourself but I am a product of the system so I encourage it! Why do you want to have a child so bad? Ask any single mother you know if she would CHOOSE to have an absent father for her kids!
Dom Dom. The chick I am talking to is really marriage-minded. We have only been talking for 3 months and she makes little references to our wedding. Big turn-off. I think I’m gonna cut it short. Thoughts?
Most women want to get married. Some speak about it prematurely… while others THINK about it prematurely. If you decided to stop seeing this person, it would be only because she liked you enough to consider you her husband. That sounds strange. If the problem is that you aren’t interested in marrying her… stop dating her. If you MAY be interested in marrying her but need more time, tell her that! I believe that at a certain age you should date-to-marry. As apart of your dating her, you need to ask her what her ideas, expectations, etc. are with regard to dating and marriage. If they do not line up… cut it off! On another note… its a bad sign to be talking about marriage when you barely know a person. Beware of people who live life in their feelings! Realistically, you need to know somebody for at least a year in order to judge whether you want to spend 30-60 years with them!
Domo… My mom is very nosy. She often shows up at my place unannounced. Is it mean or rude to tell her she needs to call first?
I wouldn’t tell my mom or grandma that they needed to call first.. DIRECTLY! HOWEVER, I would tell her that when she shows up announced, she runs the risk of seeing/hearing something she might not like! That SHOULD be enough! You DO have to be careful not to hurt any feelings! Sometimes parents “show up” because its their way of feeling needed or useful! (Especially Mothers because they are natural nurturers). If that doesn’t work, just say, “Mama can you at least call when you are on your way?”
Domo! What should I make of this boy asking me for my e-mail address in the club?
You should assume he wants to connect withyouviae-mail. I don’t know the context of your communication with him but its kind of wierd.. even in this internet-friendly society. Chop it up as a loss! If he e-mails you.. tell him how wierd it is to be asked your e-mail address in the club and see how he responds! This reminds me of a scene in “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Hint. Hint.
Domo, I am thinking about getting a tattoo that includes my guy’s name. Nobody else thinks its a good idea but i’m not sure if they are hating because they are jealous or not!
Does he have a tattoo with your name? Why would you ask your friends for their opinion if you don’t really want it? Take their opinion or leave it! You choose1 If you didn’t ask for them, don’t take them into consideration. If you ask for them then use it as one important angle in making this decisions.
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I need help. I want to slug a friend’s husband because I don’t like they way he treats her in public. She is too comfortable with it. The time I tried to mention it, she shrugged it off. I don’t think I am going to be able to go out with her anymore if he is there. Is that fair?
Is it that bad? I would encourage you to identify whether his behavior just doesn’t MEET YOUR PERSONAL standards or whether he is REALLY being disrespectful. He is not your husband and although she is your friend you cannot dictate how her husband should treat her. Take another shot at letting her know hoe you feel. Try your best to supsend judgement in your tone… substituting it for care and concern.
Is it wrong for me to be mad at my ex for dating a female he knows I never liked? Do you think he is trying to make me mad?
Hmmm… Why do you care? The two of you are no longer together and he shouldn’t be determining who he should date based on his EX! You are not the boss of him! Are you jealous? Do you want him back? Is this a pride thing? You need to get all of that in check. If her has moved on, then so should you!
I can’t stand my brothers girl. she is in no way brain smart. He is college educated and on his way to law school. He thinks I am being a hater when I tell him I think he can do better. Should I leave it alone?
Some people don’t want to be told who and who they shouldn’t be with! You should be concerned about your brother’s happiness. If this woman makes him happy, then you have to roll with that! On the other hand, ideally your brother would view your feedback as an assessment made out of love and while he wouldn’t break up with her, he would try to understand where you are coming from. One thing that annoys me about situations like this is that people would rather for you to be alone than to be with someone they don’t like! You need to come with a harder argument beyond her being dumb. He is not going to tell her he is breaking up with her because YOU think she is an idiot! If you are passionate about him being with someone else, step up your game! This could potentially be bad advice!
I think one of my really close friends is gay although he has never come out and said it. I love him a ton and want him to be happy. Instead of trying to hookhim up with every female that asks about him, I would much rather like to hookhim up with a guy if thats what he likes. Would it be wrong for me to set him up without him knowing? I think for his sake, I want to avoid the whole, “Are you gay?” conversation. What do you think.
Interesting. If your overall aim is to see him happy, then you should know exactly what would do that before you start playing match-maker. Everything that he wants you to know about him has already been shared if he is that good of a friend to you. If he is gay, you should give him the opportunity to share that with you rather than making assumptions and creating an uncomfortable and potentially embarrassing situation for all parties involved. So… no hookups unless he asks. If you want to know if he is gay, ask him! If you aren’t thug enough to ask him, then don’t be out matching him with somebody based on a set of assumptions! Hope that helps!
I have a friend who is really judgemental and has something to say about my every move. I think she forgets that I know all of her business too. Is it wrong for me to start firing back with her business when she comes at me foul?
LOL! I kind of feel that we ALL have that friend. I can even identify withbeingthatfriend! From the perspective of your friend, think about the reason you tell her things when you know she will judge you! Think about how you mention things to her. If you say, “Girl do you think I should cheat on my dude?” you essentially setting yourself up for failure. I would encourage you to begin these conversations by letting her know that you would like would not like her opinion in response. With regard to you reminding her of her baggage, I think you can do it tactfully! Rather than “I know you ainttalking…” you should try, “I know you had a similar situation so you might identify with this” as a precursor to your conversation. At the end of the day, you have a judgemental friend that flocks to you because you tolerate it. You have to take ownership of that! Tell her what kind of friend you want her to be and then model that behavior. If she doesn’t straigten up, then you need to break the cord!
I have been in a new relationship for almost a year. Don’t get me wrong, I do love who I’m with now, but I think I am still in love with my ex. I want to end my current relationship but a don’t want to hurt him. I still keep in contact with my ex daily and there seems to still be a great connection. Should I leave the new relationship for the old?
This immediately reminded me of the that cut by Kelly Rowland called “In Love With My Ex.” This is kind of hard. First, I think its important NOT to judge your current relationship’s and its future by your “connection” with your ex. I hope that makes as much sense to you as it does in my head! Your current boyfriend should only be judged on the type of man that he is to you. What is the value of your current relationship? Is your ex worth the investment you have put into your current guy? I also think you should consider why you and old boy broke up! You need to address why it is possible for you to say that you love somebody but would consider breaking up with them because you have not created boundaries where your ex is concerned. In addition, what is going to happen when you get married and run into one of these guys that you used to love? Are you going to carry daily communication with them? I would argue that you hurt your current man more by nurturing an emotional connection with some other guy. You should be honest with YOURSELF and with these guys! One of them has to go! I don’t have ALL the details but I vote that its your EX! If he was that tight, you would still be with him! He might be trying to be boyfriend #2! If you decide to stay with your current man.. you need to create some boundaries. You shouldn’t be doing anything with your ex that you wouldn’t want your current guy to know about!
My daughter wants to join a sorority but not the one I pledged some 22 years ago… She managed to gather the courage to ask me if I would foot the bill for joining. I decided many years ago that if she was interested in my sorority, whe wouldn’t have to worry about any fees (as long as she pledged)… but I didn’t anticipate her being interested in this other mess. Another thing is that she told me she would consider membership in my sorority if they were on campus but they are not. Should I tell her to get her own money or ask her dad or should I suck it up and pay? -MyMoneyisRed
Dear MyMoneyisRed, He he he… I don’t think you would be a bad parent if you told your daughter she needed to find her own cash to support her interest… especially if she is only joining organization #2 becaucuase there is an absence of organization #1. Its your money and you can support her interest without having to use it! ON the other hand if you told her you would pay for one, you should be willing to pay for the other one. Personally, I will NOT pay for any son of mine to be ANYTHING! If I have a change of heart, it Will be for the almighty Alpha. Nobody paid for mine and it made me want it more… I’m telling my kids that you don’t want anything bad enough if you are unwilling to make a sacrifice… I probably would have a different approach for a daughter interested in 1 or 2 sororities! LOL!
Will you marry me? -PrettyPlease
No, not today… but you are in the running. I do kind of like that you are a little bit mean to me! I’ve heard that means that you think I am cool! LOL! I do kinda lve you too… secretly! Tell somebody and you will regret it! -Domo
I borrowed some money from a friend and I am no position to pay them back. I have tried to avoid them because I think they might ask me about the money. They are preparing to have a baby and I have been invited to their baby shower. I want to buy them something expensive with my credit card but I don’t want them to think I have their money but just don’t want to give it to them. At the same time, I want them to know I am grateful. What the heck should I do? -GratefulBorrower
Reading this made me mad! There is nothing worse than people avoiding you when they owe you something. Its so much easier to just be honest and upfront and admit that you don’t have the money. Digging a deeper hole of debt is foolish.. especially since your intent is bad! Take them out to coffee and tell them you don’t have the money at this time and provide more detail as to when you can get the money back to them. Gather the courage to ask if there are any other ways you can repay them. Get them a gift that is within your budget. Anything more would be dumb! -Domo
I am getting a lot of pressure from family and friends to get married. I have not given in to the pressure but have decided to be more proactive in my search. I told my family and friends that I’m not opposed to them setting me up with potentials. My question is should I solely focus on these set ups or date other people?
First of all, you need to make sure that you are certain of what you want in a partner. You need to be able to articulate that to the people who love you! I would almost suggest a list. Your people should know all of the things that you value. Do not make the assumption that they do! Sometimes the people that love us tend to be more interested in finding us folks who they want for us rather than people who are truly compatible. Now, unless its a family tradition of sorts, you should never allow other people to have full control of something that impacts your life so greatly! Don’t allow some third party to do more to get you hitched than you are willing to do! I do not think you should just roll withpeoplethat family and friends set you up with! You should be out pursuing possibilities on your own. You also need to monitor any friends who might take their job too seriously! Youalsohavetomake sure that the friends that are setting you up with theirs have details on who these people are. Not everybody is going to work for you so you need to be able to have that conversationwithyour people. Because they are your friends and family, they will understand that you aren’t willing to be withsomebody that THEY like and YOU hate!! -Domo
I have a couple friends who like me for more than a friend. Should I give those guys a chance? Or do I not want to explore and see if those friendships will go anywhere? Should I cross the friendship boundary with a friend who likes me? Is it worth risking our friendship? -
I kinda of feel like a person who is your “fried” can continue to be your friend even if crossing the line does not work out. It might be awkward initially but things smooththemselvesout. I would be cognizant of how many of these friends know each other and the impact that it will have on the mutual friends you have. At the end of the day, you need to do what you feel will make you happy! There is NO scandal in dating someone who you start off as friends with. That’s actually how it should be in my opinion1 You will just need to have some fair and honest conversations with the person you are dating about how seeing each other might affect your relationship if a love connection doesn’t materialize! -Domo
I am in a relationship with the love of my life and I have been with her for about 4 years now. I am so in love with this woman that it makes no sense! And even though I love her deeply, I feel like I want to break up with her and find someone new. You know, just to see if there is anyone or anything else out there for me. I feel like the relationship I have with her will eventually lead to marriage but I want to make sure she is the one. What do you think? What should I do? -Anonymous
You have invested your time, effort, and resources into someone you have grown to love and can see yourself spending the rest of your life withandyouare willing to gamble on that investment in order to “make sure she is the one?” First of all, no other random can confirm whether she is the one better than SHE can! If I were to diagnose your problem, I would say their is a hint of commitment anxiety when it comes to making big decisions. I would say that you only get one stab at some of the greatest opportunities in your life. If you decide to “take a break” you will run the risk of having to live withthefactthat you gave up on something solid to fool with something unknown and potentially unfulfilling! You might want to spend some time thinking about what would trigger the urge to take such a risk. What can you take ownership of and what is it about the person that you love that isn’t meeting a need that you might feel some random person you have not met yet might be able to meet! Oh, and a part of me feels like everybody has these types of thoughts at some point in their relationship! It is hard to imagine having sex with the same person for 99 years! Sorry.. not helpful.. that was a sidebar! Love conquers all!
My cousin has lost her mind! she insists on dating a man she knows is married. I have tried to mind my business but she wants us to go on a double date. I told her no but didn’t say why. She is mad at me because she thinks I am being rude. Should I be honest or just let it go?
WOW! Ummmmm… If you aren’t willing to double date withherbecauseshe is dating a married man then you should tell her just that! That is super awkward to me! What if you are out somewhere and the wife shows up with a gun and 4 bullets? LOL..kidding.. kinda… It sounds like this isn’t really about the double dating! This is about her dating a married man. You ought to tell her that you are uncomfortable with the choice that she has made and that you do not want to support it in any way! I think you have to make an effort to be as non-judgemental as possible. On the other hand, who your cousin dates isn’t really your business! Share your concern for her well-being and keep it pushing. Don’t create a rift between family because of a decision that doesn’t really concern or affect you!
How do you let someone know that you aren’t interested in them without hurting their feelings or ending a friendship? -ItsNotGonnaWorkPlaya
First thing first.. I think you have to consider how you would like to receive such information! I think our first inclination at times is to go hard on people when they start getting on our nerves. The result of such action is never good! DO NOT and I mean DO NOT hire a mutual friend to do it! Don’t do it over text message and don’t leave it on their voice mail! If they are your friend then you should meet with them one on one and just tell them that you are not interested in them for whatever reason. I wouldn’t advise you to make up a lie.. especially if that lie leaves room for the person to think they have a chance in the future! “I think we should focus on being good friends.” is better than, “I think you are so bomb but this is the wrong time!”
A strategy of mine has always been to pad the news with a series of friendly gestures post-announcement! -Domo
A friend invited me to his “friend of a friend of a friend’s” BBQ for the 4th of July! Should I worry about taking something? I feel akwardjustshowing up at events where I don’t know people. I am thinking about no going. Oh, and I promised my girl I would hang out with her. Would it be foul to invite her? What do you think? – PotentialBBQCrasher
Hmmm… I see where you are coming from! I don’t like showing up to things that I have not been invited to directly by the host however, if your friend feels confident that you are welcome, I would just go! As for bringing something… every group is different culturally (especially at family events). In some cultures, its not hot to show up empty-handed but in other cultures it is rude to bring your own food! The best you can do is make sure that the person who invited you has all of the details prior to your arrival. If you are arriving their in your own car, perhaps asking your friend to meet you at your car might ease some of the uncomfortableness. Withregardto your friend coming… I think thatsabitmuch unless you have the sense that its 100% okay with the host! If they have one chicken thigh left and its between your friend and somebody on the hosts direct invite list… thats gonna be akward! LOL!-Domo